Single Baby Envy--My Guilty Thoughts

I've been plagued with envy this last month especially. Single baby envy. Obviously I love both Jack and Clare to pieces, and any time I'm thinking, "I like Clare a little bit better right now" (or vice versa...) I pick up Jack and think "Psh, no you're my favorite too". There's been quite a few times recently though, I've caught myself thinking "if I only had one baby..."

like if I only had one baby, I could go out with him/her and be able to nurse no big deal
if I only had one baby I would have a regular stroller that can fit in between ridiculously small aisles in stores
if I only had one baby I would be able to rock him/her to sleep every night
if I only had one baby I could grab him/her in the middle of the night when they were hungry and nurse lying down in bed
if I only had one baby I wouldn't have half as many people stopping us when we do go out, prolonging a quick outing

if I only had one baby, sometimes I think it would be WAY easier

BUT

it might not be. Because I hear/read/see all the time new parents of a little one who seem to be struggling more than me. Who have issues nursing, or have a colicky baby, or an unhealthy baby. 
And this is going to sound horrible, absolutely horrible, but I follow a few twin mom Instagrammers who have preemie babes, who are so sick and need so much love and help. And part of me knows I follow them not just because they're fellow twin moms, but because it's a daily reminder to appreciate my two babies. 

My two healthy, happy babies who are able to cry because their lungs work properly. Who need to be held sometimes for no reason because I'm their favorite person, and just being in my arms makes them feel the happiest. Who wake up two-three times a night because they breastfeed and it's digested faster. But when they both want all of that at the same time, somehow 2 +2 doesn't equal 4. My two arms fall short of holding two babies.

Blah, this is pretty rambly, but I can only vent to my family so much until it becomes obnoxious. So, dear blog, I write to you in hopes that Future Me reads this, is reminded to never take for granted the two littles, and know that even though having one might look easier, what you've got is so much better. 

Jack and Clare: Three Months!

Apologies future self, for failing already on taking monthly photos. David went back to work this month and setting the white board up with their likes and dislikes (which, by now are pretty consistent with their first 2 months...eating and pooping good. Gas and overtired-ness bad) just feels like such a chore. Good thing I take so many of them daily ;P


JACK

Weight: 12.8 lbs, still my chunky lump!
Length: didn't measure, oops
Diaper size: Size 1 but blowing them up on the reg
Clothing size: 0-3 but moving quickly to just 3 months

Nicknames: I've been calling him Jackie and Jackie Boy a LOT

Health: Still no colds here! Lots of friends' babes are getting sick, but we're still healthy, phew

Sleep: Good, most of the time. We love the eat, play (for like an hour), sleep routine during the day, and Jack is still a champion napper. Sleep at night is a bit more hit and miss. Poor boy still spits up tons, so his upset belly will keep him up sometimes. But as long as he's got a good burp and has all the yuck-milk out of his system, he'll stay asleep all night (except to wake up and eat)

Diet: Still milk, derp still about every 3 hours, give or take an hour

Milestones: He smiles ALL the time, and is just starting to grab toys put in front of his face. No rolling over or laughing just yet.
Speech: Talks a lot, especially when his diaper is getting changed 


CLARE

Weight: 10.8 lbs
Length: didn't measure
Diaper size: Size 1
Clothing size: finally fits properly in 0-3 and 3 months in Carter's. LOVING all her cute clothes :)

Nicknames: Clare Marie, Little Miss

Health: Healthy baby! 

Sleep: She has been awesome the last couple weeks. She's napping much better during the day--there's been several times (and usually at least 1 time a day) I'll put her in the crib awake when it's nap time, and she'll fall asleep on her own :)
She still will hysterically cry before she goes down for the night, although not every night and not nearly as long as before. She'll stay asleep though the whole night, except to eat.

Diet: Milk! The last few days have been growth spurt time for her (maybe Jack too, but he wants to eat non stop all the time all the time) because she wants to eat sometimes every hour, and will cry when my let down doesn't happen fast enough

Milestones: Rolling over like a crazy person, and will scoot around on her belly. 
Speech: Still my chatty cathy. Sometimes when she's nursing, she'll stop and just coo at me. It's pretty darn cute


Baby Gear Love:
-Solly Baby Wrap. It is SO soft and keeps the baby SO close to you, without feeling like you're smothering them with fabric. I wish this was the first wrap I got (although Jack seems to prefer my ring sling at the moment, but I think it's because he's less wriggly than Clare and sits comfortably in it)
-changing tables. They just make everything so convenient
-Zippy bandana bibs. They are just so darn cute and are a nice barrier for these drooly babes. I broke and got some Christmas ones for them ;D

Other things of note about month 3: 

I went out with them on my own for the first time last week, to Target, where else haha. They did really well, and they were awake most of the trip. So I'm slowly gaining confidence, although some days I wake up and still think "how the heck am I going to handle them today?" Usually those days Jack and Clare are on their best behavior and make me love them that much more.
I've been doing the whole eat, play, sleep routine and it seems to be working really well. They've been loving their activity mat and I can usually let them hang out there for a good 20-30 mins, sometimes flipping them on their bellies to get some tummy time.
They love (usually) when I read Goodnight Moon to them, and will lay there attentively until it's over :) 
They prefer taking showers, held by David or me to baths. Well, they like baths but still hate getting out in the cold.
They both will notice each other, and a few times each will smile and coo. But no real interaction yet. I can't wait for that!!!

Twins means two babies, but one mom

It finally happened the other day...I hit a wall. After two solid months of no sleep, thousands of diapers, a gallon of spit up, and broken ear drums from baby crying (ok...not really that last one) I had a breakdown. I cried while holding Clare, blubbering to David about how I'm tired of being tired. 

It wasn't beautiful girl crying like this:

It was ugly, snotty crying like this:

Geeze, isn't Johnny Depp just so pretty? 

Anyway, David being very astute promptly grabbed Little Miss and kicked me out of the house. He literally made me leave. So I got in my car, in my pjs, with unwashed hair, still crying and drove to my parent's house. Luckily my mom was there because I needed someone to hug me and give me pity. I was a mom who needed my mom. I sobbed into her shoulder, saying "twins are hard" over and over again. And she held me and let me let it out. I said what I never wanted to say....that two babies is hard and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to do it right now. 
And she understood, held me and made me feel that it was all ok and normal and I wasn't a horrible mom. 

Then she set me up with a bubble bath. A real bath with no babies to wash. It was awesome, I soaked in the bubbles watching Gilmore Girls on my phone and tried to detox. 

I went home two hours later feeling so much better. Full from dinner that I didn't make and wasn't take out, relaxed from soaking in a baby-free tub, and feeling relieved from admitting that I was overwhelmed by my beautiful babes.

I will be forever grateful to David on insisting we live in our hometown, close to our families so my mom can still rock her crying baby, 27 years later.

Jack and Clare: Two Months!

Alright, for the sake of trying to be good about writing during their first year, I found a little template for their monthly updates to fill in. Because just sitting down with a cup of coffee to mull over what I should write is a thing of the past! (ok...I do have coffee in front of me, but it's more out of necessity now than enjoyment)

First up, Mr. Number One himself...JACKIE BOY!

Weight: 10.6 lbs, what a chunkster!
Length: 23 inches
Diaper size: Size 1
Clothing size: 0-3, although in Carter's he's in 3 months. Carter's runs smaller than most, which was great for newborn stuff. But he's still a bit small for 3 months, even in Carter's and too big for newborn. He's only in the 10th percentile in weight, so it's no surprise!

Nicknames: The latest have been Jacques, Jacques Cousteau, Bud, Bubsy, Baby Bunch, Turkey

Health: Perfectly healthy! He did great with his 2 month shots...cried a bit but then spent the next two days sleeping it off :) He still spits up, but always has a huge smile when he does, like he's saying "I made that for you, Mom!" 
David and I were a bit worried because his head always seems to want to fall to his right side, and I've read about babies having issues with their neck and head shape if they heavily prefer one side to the other (thanks again Google for freaking me out) But the doctor did some basic tests and said he was totally fine, babies typically prefer one side to the other, just like we do (go figure..they're like real people! ;) So we just have to dangle toys on his left side, and try adjusting him when he sleeps. Luckily, he's the happiest baby around, so it's all been no problemo :)

Sleep: Ok, sleep is good. I need to keep reminding myself of this, because I still wake up between 2-3 times in the middle of the night to feed them (I have to include Clare in this one a bit, because they eat at the same time, so they typically sleep at the same time...phew!) But he falls asleep really easily at night, whether in the crib or in a swing...just depending on how much I had to wake him up (i.e. if he made goo and I really had to wipe that booty) During the day it depends...sometimes he needs lots of snuggles, other times I lay him down and he'll just nod off on his own. His (and Clare's) witching hours are between 7-10pm, when usually they both just want to be held and moved about 

Diet: Milk! Neither him or Clare go longer than 3 hours during the day without eating...sometimes I have to wake both of them up, but Jack never seems to have a problem with it. I don't even have to try to wake him up to eat anymore...he knows what to do haha 
Doc wants me to give them Vitamin D drops, buuuut I'm thinking I'll skip that. 

Milestones: He's great at tummy time, and enjoys it at short intervals. He's been opening and closing his hands on my shirt or skin (ouch), so working on his grasp. The doctor thinks he'll be rolling over any day now, eep :O
Speech: Makes coo sounds pretty often, but likes to make little screech sounds more. 

And now for Little Miss Clare!

Weight: 9.2 lbs. She's in the 4th percentile, the little thing!
Length: 22 inches
Diaper size: Size 1
Clothing size: 0-3 is a bit big on her, but she's a bit big for most newborn stuff. 3 months is way too big, but I stick her in some of that too haha

Nicknames: Little Miss, Sweet Miss, Turkey. I have been calling her Clare Marie a bit, but it's just her full name, so I'm not sure if it counts as a nickname? haha

Health: Perfectly healthy! Did even better than Jack with her shots...barely cried, and then when right to sleep haha. We were expecting the worst from her! 

Sleep: She wakes up to eat a bit more than Jack in the middle of the night, but again...goes right back to sleep after. They definitely know daytime from nighttime now! She has gotten in the habit though of crying hysterically if she's tired at the end of the day. She'll get all frantic when she's eating, start screaming until I rock her for literally 2 minutes and she passes out. A friend told me that she thinks babies need to cry like that sometimes to expel extra energy. I dunno....Clare must have lots of extra energy.

Diet: Milk! Again, never longer than 3 hours without eating during the day and she seems to want to eat more often at night than Jack, but I think it's because she's still so itty bitty

Milestones: She loves being on her tummy, and has awesome neck/head control. When she's doing tummy time, she'll kick her legs like mad, and grab at whatever she's laying on to help her scoot her little body across the floor. It gives me a heart attack...I swear, she's going to be crawling by 4 months :O
Speech: She loves talking. She'll just sit and coo to herself for a good 15 minutes. She also always laughs in her sleep. That girl has to have the funniest dreams :)


Baby Gear Love:
-Swings
-Any and all kinds of baby carriers. I want more! :P
-My Breast Friend pillow, still. Dunno what I'd do without it

Other things of note about month 2: 

This month has definitely been better than the 1st. They know day from night now and have lots of "happy" awake time, rather than just fussy get-me-back-to-sleep awake time. We've also mastered tandem breast feeding, and I know when their heads are more stable, it'll get easier since I won't need to depend on my giant pillow every time (i.e. in the middle of the night when I want to lay back and keep sleeping....)
They like to be rocked a lot, so we've really been loving depending on swings. But usually what happens during the day is one baby is ok to be in a swing, while the other needs to be held. Which is fine, since rocking/holding both is still so tricky.
They both love walks and being outside. We don't really use toys or playmats yet, since they seem totally fascinated by the ceiling fan, our faces and the outdoors. They still don't like their car seats, and typically will cry when we're at any stopping point when driving. Clare will still spit out her pacifier, and then cry because she wants it back. Jack will sort of let it fall out (less purposeful than Clare) and then cry because he wants it back. Silly babes.
They both smile tons, especially when David or I are talking to them. Jack more so than Clare, and Jack is especially smiley when getting his diaper changed. 

I'm getting more used to having people oggle them when we go out, but I've also gotten better about brushing people off when they want to just stand and chat with me about twin crap. Sounds harsh, but since we're still working off of a 3 hour eating window, I ain't got time to hear about your 30 year old friend who's a twin or tell you all the stats about mine! #sorrynotsorry ;)

And if this post couldn't be any longer, baby pics! <3